


Maybe, Kinda

by babbyspanch



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: First Kiss, M/M, Miscommunication, Panic Attack, Pining, RPF, purple prose i tried to hold back i really did
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-27
Updated: 2017-11-27
Packaged: 2019-02-07 09:04:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12837840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babbyspanch/pseuds/babbyspanch
Summary: Ryan is having a tough day. Okay, tough week. Alright it's been a tough few months but he's got it handled okay? He's handed over the editing of Unsolved to a team and now... well he's still distracted, but he's trying.But, Shane just makes it really hard to focus.





	Maybe, Kinda

**Author's Note:**

> Timeline is mad BS bc i refuse to research im already experiencing enough shame writing rpf i refuse to make sure its ACCURATE rpf
> 
> THIS IS FOR GRACE WHOSE HAVIN A TOUGH GO OF IT BUT WILL KEEP ON TRUCKING BC SHES ONE OF THE MOST DEDICATED AND TOUGH PEOPLE I KNOW!!!!

 

Some days Ryan missed editing _Unsolved_.

 

It had been nice to polish something up; change its tone into something solid all the way through instead of just a mishmash of moments caught all together through the impartial lense of a camera. Watching the feedback roll in after publishing was always a rush, and he still got a taste of that, but it wasn’t quite the same as it had been in the early days of the show; before Shane had become his co-host.

 

Shane was part of the reason Ryan stopped editing. Sure, it gave him more time to research for episodes, and the quality of the end product had gone up without question, but there was another reason Ryan angled for the editing team so hard. Being forced to watch Shane and himself interact on screen was giving him fucking heartburn.

 

He was losing sleep rewinding moments over and over, analyzing and re-analyzing body language between them. He forced himself to resist cutting every second he stared at Shane a little too long, every time the grin and laughter would burst out of him when Shane said something only passingly funny, at best.

 

Ryan was caught up in some big feelings for Shane and the last thing he needed was the _Internet_ finding out.

 

So, it became a compulsion. Check the footage, cut the embarrassing parts but not the funny things, re-watch the episode, edit again, watch, edit, watch, edit-- until eventually the episode was so sterile, and fact based he had to go back to one of the previous edits and just hope that his feelings weren’t plastered across his idiot face for the entire world to see.

 

The cycle continued until one Thursday morning Ryan tried to show up for filming with his shirt on backwards and spaced out at his desk for so long he missed the filming time completely and had to get apology fruit baskets for the crew. That was when he knew something had to change. He was sabotaging his own career. So, he handed over editing control and tried to handle this idiot crush on his own.

 

It wasn’t going _great_.

 

Ryan dragged a hand across his face and groaned, leaning back in his chair. It was dark in the office and at some point, everyone had filtered out. He vaguely remembered a few goodbyes that he had maybe, kinda responded to but he had been solidly lost for the last several hours trying to find more conspiracy cases to write about.

 

He minimized his note of ideas and figured he’d run them past Shane tonight after the movie, which-- he checked the clock and swore-- he was almost late for.

 

He jumped to his feet and threw on his coat, gathering his things and trying and failing to turn on his phone. It must have run out of charge without his noticing and now he’d have to plug it in during the drive to Shane’s.

 

Awesome.

 

Ryan locked up the office quickly and the winter breeze stung across his cheeks when he got outside. It didn’t get _cold_ in LA, but the night still brought with it a temperature dip. Ryan started his car and plugged his phone in quickly, hoping Shane hadn't messaged him bailing on tonight.

 

There was something about driving in a big city at night, watching the lights flash by and trickle into the dark pavement. The bright colours contrasting against black. Catching sight of a star or an airplane above every once in a while. It carries a kind of loneliness and connectedness at the same time that Ryan struggled to properly articulate.

 

The moon was full that night, hung low and bright in the sky. Ryan turned up the radio a little, smiling softly. It was a nice night to see Shane.

 

He spotted his phone light up out of the corner of his eye and watched with raised eyebrows as the home screen filled with notifications instantly. They flew across his screen and left Ryan confused for a moment before he remembered the new episode dropped already.

 

There were a few messages from Shane peppered in between, along with his brother and a few of his other friends. Ryan shook his head and looked back at the road, glad it was well passed rush hour.

 

The light in front of him turned green and he made the choice to drive to Shane’s house anyway. They didn’t live that far apart and if Shane had texted to cancel it wouldn’t be that big a deal.

 

The radio chattered low as Ryan wound his way around the city drenched in dark, phone buzzing with notifications the whole time, until he pulled into Shane’s driveway and parked. He grabbed his phone and got out of the car, taking a moment to lean against the warm hood, breath in the night air and enjoy the moon.

 

Ryan opened his phone and got to Shane’s messages quickly, ignoring everything else.

 

The messages just said, ‘I’m sorry, dude’, ‘I didn’t mean to’, ‘I asked them to edit it out’.

 

Ryan immediately wanted to throw up. The one-eighty emotion shift from relaxed to the most on edge he had been in his life-- including the fucking Sally house-- left his head spinning as he sucked in too-short breaths and tried to get his eyes to focus.

 

What hadn’t they cut-- was it it something he did?  What had Shane-- what did the editing team-- the notifications--

 

He felt his knees go at the same time he registered movement in front of him and suddenly Shane was there. At the wrong height though. Ryan’s legs were very cold and had absolutely not grown since he last saw Shane. Who was trying to say something? To him.

 

Ryan blinked and forced himself back into a functioning place.

 

“--an. Some on, buddy.” They were kneeling in the driveway. Shane had really big hands and they were pressed into Ryan’s shoulders just a little too hard. Ryan sucked in a longer breath, focused on how the hands felt and the strange way Shane’s eyes are wrinkled.

 

He hadn’t really seen the man genuinely concerned this close. Normally it’s over Ryan’s shoulder as he was booking it in the other direction while swearing. There was a lot more wrinkles involved than he thought. Shane, somehow, managed to still look kissable through it all-- which wasn’t great news for Ryan.

 

“I just--” His voice broke, rough against his throat, and he tried again, “I just got your messages? What-- what happened?”

 

Shane’s face closed off a little. Not in a way most people would notice, but Ryan knew Shane inside and out, backwards and forwards, front ways and sideways and the look on his face right now was not one Ryan wanted to see.

 

“Let’s go inside first, yeah?” Shane asked, voice even and low. He was still concerned so he couldn’t really be that angry with Ryan at least. For whatever had happened.

 

Shane helped Ryan to his feet, double checked his car was locked, and then led him into the house, his hand on the small of Ryan’s back the whole time.

 

Ryan was led to the more comfortable of Shane’s two couches and settled in. Shane disappeared into the kitchen behind him and Ryan could hear him banging around with various things before the familiar noise of a popcorn popper starting up began.

 

That was probably smart. Ryan couldn’t quite remember if he had eaten that day.

 

“How bad is it.” Ryan said, too quietly at first, then repeated himself, louder.

 

Shane popped his head out of the kitchen and Ryan twisted around to meet his eyes over the back of the couch. “What do you mean?”

 

“Like, is it-- cancel the show bad?” Ryan crossed his arms, “Or-- or can this be fixed, or?”

 

Shane looked at him for a moment and then exhaled, his face relaxing. “You didn’t watch it, huh.”

 

“No, I- I forgot it even came out tonight.” Ryan admitted, rubbing his face. “I think I’ve been.. maybe, kind of out of it lately.”

 

“Yeah, no kidding. You never forget, normally.” Shane drummed his fingers on the wall. “Okay I have to keep an eye on the corn, but-- they aren’t going to cancel the show, okay? I got the episode temporarily down already, so don’t worry about that. Damage control is already rolling in.” Shane grinned, lopsided and cat-like in the way his lips curled.

 

Ryan took his first solid breath since he read the texts.

 

“Okay, That’s-- that’s great, Shane.” Ryan paused. “Was it… Did I do something?”

 

Shane took a full step toward Ryan before he stopped, face confused. “No? No this was all me. I’ll--” He glanced back into the kitchen. “Let me finish the popcorn. I’ll tell you everything after, okay?”

 

Shane waited for Ryan to nod before he smiled, something a little shaky in it, and ducked back into the kitchen.

 

Ryan sat forward again, watching his reflection staring back at him in the darkened tv screen. He tried to fix his hair but gave up quickly. His hands were shaking too much.

 

This was one of the moments in life where something changed. Something big. The energy was weird and heavy. Knowing Shane was just a room away, hearing him rummaging and _existing_ just through the open doorway but both of them staying silent was… strange. Normally the air was always filled when they were around each other, electric and buzzing with thinly veiled joy and affection.

 

This wasn’t _bad,_ but it was... different. They had been quiet together before, of course. When you spent as much time together as the two of them did silences were guaranteed. But the silences had always been comfortable, easy and warm.

 

This silence made Ryan sick with discomfort.

 

Shane was anxious. About _them_. Ryan couldn’t even imagine what Shane could have done to pull this sort of reaction out of the internet and, more importantly, to feel this uncomfortable around Ryan.

 

The popcorn slowed its popping and Ryan heard the normal prep, Salt, a little melted butter, a hint of dried parmesan, one quick grind of pepper from the mill.

 

Every step took at least thirty years. Ryan’s brain was going a mile a minute and it slowed everything down around him.

 

It was torture.

 

Finally, Shane came into the room and sat carefully down beside Ryan, settling the bowl down on the coffee table in front of them. They both sat stiff and didn’t look at each other.

 

Everything was still horrible.

 

“It was supposed to be a joke.” Shane said, too loudly for the small room and the space around them. It filled up the quiet and Shane shifted guiltily. “Yeah okay. That was a lie. It wasn’t a joke. I-- I meant it.”

 

Ryan was getting relaxed enough that he could feel frustration creeping in.

 

“ _What_ wasn’t a joke?” He asked, voice sharper than he meant it.

 

Shane sighed and covered his eyes for a second. It looked like he was counting to ten. Ryan didn’t touch the popcorn. Neither did Shane. It’s quiet for a long time.

 

“Alright.” Shane put his hand down and turned to face Ryan completely. His gaze was determined and fixed. “Okay.”

 

Ryan raised his eyebrows.

 

“So, I lied to you.” Shane still hadn’t broken eye contact. It was… intense to say the least. “Remember when you were doing the solo time in the basement?”

 

Ryan nodded, slowly, still caught up in Shane’s almost manic but focused energy.

 

“You didn’t last the five minutes man, you were hardly in there a minute-- I called it early because you sounded…” He drifted off and for the first time Shane’s eyes unfocused a little. Ryan said nothing.

 

Shane cleared his throat and when he came back it was… different. He had a mask on again. “Ah, it’s not important dude. Just a little white lie, you know!” Shane laughed, too loudly. “They edited it weird. You came over for a movie, right? I’ve heard The Babysitter is really bad, we should put that on!”

 

Ryan blinked. Shane grabbed the popcorn and the remote, still chatting, throwing out three jokes a second, something about the baby sitters club. He stood up suddenly, “Forgot napkins! I’ll be right back!”

 

“Shane.”

 

He stopped where he was standing, still trying to grin.

 

“What did you say?”

 

Shane looked at the ceiling for so long Ryan glanced up too, worried he was looking at something.

 

“I said… that I cared about you too much to just listen to you like that.”

 

Ryan frowned. Shane’s eyes still hadn’t left the swirling designs in the plaster. “How could they edit that strangely? I’m sure the viewers ate that up. They love it when you go all soft, what's the big--?”

 

“I didn’t say I _cared_.”

 

Ryan shut up and waited.

 

“I said I loved you.”

 

A noise escaped Ryan without his permission.

 

Shane finally broke his staring contest and looked at Ryan. He was still standing in front of the couch, tense and resigned.

 

“Well that explains all the tweets, I guess.” Ryan cracked a small smile and gestures back to the couch.

 

Shane slowly sat. They both looked at each other. “So, did you mean that?” Ryan’s voice was light. Suddenly this whole thing is just a conversation. Just a talk with one of his favorite people in the whole world, who maybe kind of loves him.

 

Shane noticed the shift and mirrored him, easing into the couch for the first time, echoing Ryan’s small smile.

 

“Maybe, kinda. Yeah.” He said, and Ryan’s chest flooded with warmth. This time he didn’t keep his grin in check.

 

“Well. That’s good news to hear, Mr. Madej. Because I maybe, kinda, feel something like that too.”  

 

They spend a strange amount of time just staring at each other grinning.

 

It was really, really, stupidly nice. The kiss after was even nicer, soft and light. It turned out, Shane’s enormous hands felt nice resting just about anywhere.

 

“So, The Babysitter?”

 

“Sounds good.”

 

They held hands through the whole movie, and Ryan only screamed twice.

 


End file.
